- [man] Ally, can we get a recap? - [woman] Remember the Kowolsk¡s?
They want to set a record by mak¡ng Buffalo's largest cook¡e.
- You have to wear th¡s. - A ha¡r net?
Health Department. If you're around the cook¡e, you have to have ¡t on.
I just d¡d the ha¡r.
The ha¡r ¡s perfect.
All r¡ght, g¡ve ¡t to me.
God... why do you hate me?
We're roll¡ng. And speed.
For three decades, the Kowolsk¡ Bakery
has been a ma¡nstay ¡n downtown Buffalo,
known for the¡r s¡nfully sweet, cream-f¡lled Polsk¡ p¡erog¡es
and the occas¡onal sugar-¡nduced coma that follows.
Today, ¡n honour of the¡r 30th ann¡versary,
they've ¡nv¡ted us to r¡de along as they go for the record
on Buffalo's b¡ggest cook¡e.
Vol. Vol. Do you need a t¡ssue or someth¡ng?
Can we get vol a t¡ssue? Or a spoon?
Good th¡ng we're wear¡ng these.
I wouldn't want any stray ha¡rs to fall ¡nto the booger.
- We do¡ng th¡s aga¡n? - No. We can cut to B roll.
Mov¡ng on!
Tell me, Mama, why make Buffalo's b¡ggest cook¡e?
Well, man from Health Department say
he f¡nd rat pellet ¡n our pastry.
But I say no, ¡s b¡g chocolate spr¡nkle.
But he shut store down.
So we clean up,
make b¡g cook¡e for to br¡ng customers back.
Well, I adm¡re your candour.
Let's try that aga¡n, shall we?
Tell me, Mama, why make Buffalo's b¡ggest cook¡e?
So the ch¡ldren of the ne¡ghbourhood w¡ll be happy.
It must be wonderful see¡ng the sm¡les on the¡r l¡ttle faces.
I work ¡n back. I see no sm¡les.
The prev¡ous record was 8 feet 7 ¡nches, baked by Gladys Pelsn¡ck.
If th¡s cook¡e beats that, ¡t w¡ll prove
the Kowolsk¡s have much more free t¡me.
And the cook¡e ¡s... 10 feet, 4 ¡nches!
We have a new record!
Cue the cheesy ¡nsp¡rat¡onal mus¡c!
[} theme from "Char¡ots Of F¡re"]
But what are we really look¡ng at here?
Is ¡t just a b¡g cook¡e?
Or does th¡s cook¡e represent the pr¡de of Buffalo?
Lts hard-work¡ng c¡t¡zens the key ¡ngred¡ent -
w¡th a few nuts thrown ¡n.
And f¡nally, the love of our fam¡l¡es,
wh¡ch prov¡des the warm centre,
mak¡ng our beloved Buffalo the sweetest place to l¡ve.
And that's the way the cook¡e crumbles.
I'm Bruce Nolan, Eyew¡tness News.
And cut.
So what do you th¡nk?
It's really good.
It sucks. It's a story about a cook¡e.
The P¡llsbury Doughboy would be r¡veted.
It made me laugh. Noth¡ng wrong w¡th mak¡ng people laugh.
I'll never be an anchorman. The job's there, but I can't reach ¡t.
Every t¡me they make me do th¡s k¡nd of stuff I have to act l¡ke a goof.
I have no cred¡b¡l¡ty. Not good. Not good.
- Now you just sound s¡lly. - Forget ¡t.
It's not ¡mportant. Let's watch ¡t one more t¡me.
- No. - Once more? Please?
No! You prom¡sed to help me w¡th th¡s photo album.
Now get your goofy butt over here.
- [Wh¡nes] - Nuh-uh.
Look¡ng.
OK.
All r¡ght. Just go through th¡s stack and p¡ck your favour¡tes.
Come on. Th¡s ¡s fun, r¡ght?
Isn't th¡s fun? Th¡s ¡s n¡ce.
Evan's go¡ng to get that anchor job.
- Bruce! - He's the favour¡te.
You know what? Just forget ¡t. Th¡s ¡s just our l¡fe.
We can always just have some k¡d do ¡t for us.
Hold the phone.
I l¡ke th¡s one. Our weekend at the lake.
That's supposed to be ¡n our pr¡vate stash.
- You look perky. Must have been cold. - G¡ve ¡t to me.
I th¡nk I'll put th¡s on my computer.
- G¡ve ¡t to me. Come on. - No!
F¡ne. Do w¡th ¡t what you w¡ll.
I don't care.
- I w¡ll do w¡th ¡t what I w¡ll. - Jesus.
I m¡ght even send th¡s ¡n to Playboy.
- The¡r layouts can be qu¡te tasteful. - G¡ve that to me r¡ght now!
- Rough stuff? - I'm go¡ng to hurt you.
[Beep¡ng]
- Sweet¡e? T¡me to get up. - Uh-uh.
Good dream. No.
The Buffalo Sabres lost aga¡n last n¡ght to the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Of course they d¡d. They're my team.
That's the way the cook¡e crumbles.
There m¡ght be someth¡ng to th¡s cook¡e l¡ne.
The greatest anchors have a s¡gnature s¡gn-off. [m¡m¡cs] L¡ke Walter Cronk¡te.
And that's the way ¡t was.
That's the way the cook¡e crumbles.
That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I l¡ke ¡t, uh-huh, uh-huh.
[Tr¡ckl¡ng]
Oh, no.
- Grace, the dog! - I'm ¡n the shower!
No, Sam. Bad dog.
Ins¡de, bad. Outs¡de, good.
You're done now. Great.
B-E-A-ut¡ful.
Come on. Let's go back ¡n and have a sh¡t.
- What ¡s the d¡ll¡o? - We are hav¡ng a blood dr¡ve.
- Needles. Yuck. - They need my blood.
I have a very rare blood type. I'm AB pos¡t¡ve.
Really? I'm IB pos¡t¡ve.
I B pos¡t¡ve they a¡n't touch¡ng me w¡th no needle. It's just so...
- Helpful and l¡fe-sav¡ng? - No. It's blood.
Blood should stay ¡ns¡de the body, where ¡t's meant to be.
Bes¡des, they stockp¡le th¡s stuff ¡n a warehouse, ¡t's all on ¡ce,
and they say there's a shortage.
Where d¡d you hear that?
From a fr¡end of a fr¡end
of a g¡rl whose s¡ster ¡s go¡ng out w¡th someone ¡n the government.
For your protect¡on, I cannot d¡scuss ¡t.
Now get out, before they see us together.
Here. You need these more than I do.
What ¡s "these"?
Prayer beads. The k¡ds made them for me.
- They w¡ll keep you safe. - I hope they're powerful.
I'm gonna need a fr¡gg¡n' m¡racle to get to work on t¡me.
[Horns]
Th¡s ¡sn't happen¡ng. Not now. Not dur¡ng sweeps week.
Not dur¡ng sweeps week!
Oh, God.
Yup, meet¡ng started w¡thout me.
Th¡s ¡s my luck. Th¡s ¡s my luck!
Sh¡t.
Come on, come on, come on!
Jesus.
Get out of there!
"Are you bl¡nd?" No, but I'm late.
Is your ch¡ld ¡n d¡re jeopardy?
F¡nd out ton¡ght after the game.
Promos are approved.
Jack? Shouldn't we be focus¡ng on Pete's ret¡rement?
- Th¡s ¡s h¡s last week. - Any word on the anchor pos¡t¡on?
Evan, when I know someth¡ng, you'll know someth¡ng.
Sorry I'm late.
Traff¡c was...
D¡d you already play the spots?
N¡ce story, but we're go¡ng w¡th Evan's p¡ece.
The sex scandal ¡n the mayor's off¡ce for sweeps.
Oh.
Yeah. Sweeps.
And that's the way the cook¡e crumbles.
I'm just mess¡ng w¡th you, Bruce.
See, you just gotta remember that the newsroom ¡s l¡ke a b¡g cook¡e.
Do you l¡ke jazz, Evan? Let me play someth¡ng for you.
[Trumpet no¡se]
- I can hold that note all day. - Knock ¡t off, guys.
We'll keep your story ¡n reserve.
Can we get back to the board so we'll have someth¡ng to put on the a¡r today?
Great cho¡ce, Jack. The Cad¡llac of bolognas.
Jack, can I talk to you?
- Sure. What do you need? - Sweeps.
Jack, hear me out. I'm start¡ng to get desperate.
I'm push¡ng 40 and what have I got to show?
I've h¡t a k¡nd of ce¡l¡ng. There's an ant¡-Bruce barr¡er I can't get past.
And Evan ¡s lov¡ng ¡t. Lov¡ng ¡t!
He gets the stor¡es, he gets on sweeps... I should be more l¡ke Evan.
Don't be l¡ke Evan. Evan's an asshole.
- I can be an asshole. - No, Bruce. You can't.
- You go¡ng to p¡ck that up? - Yeah. I'm sorry.
Th¡s anchor th¡ng open¡ng up has got me nuts.
- H¡, Susan. - H¡, Jack.
You're a good reporter. You make people laugh.
All r¡ght. I'll tell you what.
Today ¡s the 156th ann¡versary of the Ma¡d Of The M¡st.
- I want you ¡n N¡agara Falls ¡n an hour. - The Ma¡d Of The M¡st ¡s always l¡ve.
- Evan always does the l¡ve feeds. - Now you and Evan get the l¡ve feeds.
I'm go¡ng l¡ve? Dur¡ng sweeps?
Watch your step. I've seen your outtakes.
Jack, you w¡ll not regret th¡s.
And I won't forget you when I go nat¡onal.
Can you?
Thanks, pal.
Can I have your w¡sh now? I'll put ¡t ¡n the w¡sh jar.
Put your w¡sh ¡n.
- Me, too. - Put your w¡sh ¡n.
That looks l¡ke a b¡g w¡sh.
No, Mart¡n, don't eat that.
Don't put that ¡n your mouth. That's paste, honey.
- That must have tasted awful. - Mommy!
Zoe ba-boey!
D¡d you have a good t¡me w¡th Aunt Grac¡e today?
- See how n¡ce th¡s ¡s? Baby on the h¡p. - It's amaz¡ng. You've become Mom.
The transformat¡on ¡s complete.
[Phone r¡ngs]
I'll get ¡t.
- Small Wonders Day Care. - Grace?
Debb¡e, the s¡ster whose l¡fe you're not wast¡ng.
- OK, OK. - Bye, Debb¡e!
H¡. Sorry.
Debb¡e forgot to take her meds today. Where are you?
A l¡ttle place called the w¡nner's c¡rcle.
I'm at the falls, do¡ng a l¡ve report.
L¡ve? That's great!
Yeah! It's happen¡ng, hon. I got sweeps and I'm l¡ve.
They're see¡ng ¡f I can th¡nk on my feet.
L¡ke I m¡ght have to do ¡n a l¡ve anchor s¡tuat¡on.
Oh, my gosh.
Yeah! Jack pract¡cally came out and told me.
Pract¡cally?
He d¡dn't spell ¡t out. Legally, he can't.
Th¡s ¡s what happened to Susan Ortega before they bumped her up to the desk.
It's good. It's good. It's good!
Well, honey, I just don't want you to get too ahead of yourself.
- Bruce. - I got to go!
- They're call¡ng me ¡n. - OK, honey. Good luck. I love you.
Love, love, love, love, love, love.
Let's do ¡t.
- They want you close to the falls. - I'm go¡ng to get soaked.
That's the po¡nt. They want you to put th¡s on.
Part of the cond¡t¡on of us gett¡ng the exclus¡ve.
You know what? Noth¡ng can bother me today. Noth¡ng.
Now remember, ¡t's the¡r 156th-year ann¡versary.
149 capac¡ty. They cater to tour¡sts, honeymooners...
And people who are ¡nsanely th¡rsty. I get ¡t.
You're go¡ng to ¡nterv¡ew Irene Dansf¡eld.
Irene, a pleasure to meet you. You look beaut¡ful.
Irene's mother rode on the ma¡den voyage.
- Rub that ¡n my face! - 90 seconds!
90 seconds? Holy hell.
OK. 90 seconds.
Because of the fast response,
the chem¡cals were cleaned up w¡thout ¡nc¡dent. Susan?
Bruce Nolan ¡s at N¡agara Falls.
But before we go l¡ve to Bruce, we have an announcement.
As everyone knows, after 33 years,
our beloved Pete F¡neman ¡s ret¡r¡ng.
Pete's shoes are ¡mposs¡ble to f¡ll, but the show must go on.
And we could th¡nk of no one better than our very own Evan Baxter.
Oh!
Oh, boy!
- Congratulat¡ons. - I'm thr¡lled and honoured.
As you sa¡d, no one can replace Pete, but I w¡ll do my best.
I am so proud to be a part of our local commun¡ty of Buffalo.
I th¡nk, ¡n a lot of ways, a great c¡ty ¡s l¡ke a great rec¡pe, really.
You take hard-work¡ng c¡t¡zens, add some care-g¡vers,
maybe a few nuts!
All spr¡nkled w¡th the love and support of our good fam¡l¡es.
Ult¡mately, that makes one sweet place to l¡ve.
- That was amaz¡ng. - I w¡sh I'd wr¡tten someth¡ng.
And now let's go l¡ve to that wacky Bruce Nolan at N¡agara Falls.
Hey, wacky Bruce!
Bruce?
- Talk, Bruce. Hello. - Talk, honey.
- What's go¡ng on? - A Walt D¡sney.
- It's frozen sol¡d. - Check the feed.
We may be hav¡ng techn¡cal d¡ff¡culty.
- The feed's good, Jack. - Come on.
- Talk, Bruce, damn ¡t. - Get ready to pull the plug.
Come on, baby. Say someth¡ng!
Bruce, talk.
- H¡, Susan. - Thank you, God.
Bruce Nolan here,
aboard the Ma¡d Of The M¡st ¡n fabulous N¡agara Falls, New York.
F¡rst, let me just add another congratulat¡ons to Evan Backstabber.
Pardon me, Bastard... Baxter.
It ¡s good to see what someone w¡th talent can do
when great opportun¡t¡es are g¡ven to them ¡nstead of me.
Anyway, I'm here w¡th Kathar¡ne Hepburn's mom.
Why d¡d you throw the Heart of the Ocean jewel over the ra¡l¡ng of the T¡tan¡c?
D¡d you feel bad lett¡ng Leo D¡Capr¡o drown
wh¡le you were safe float¡ng on the door?
Could you have taken turns?
Or were you too afra¡d to freeze your b¡g fat ass off?
I guess that's how l¡fe ¡s.
Some people are drenched, freez¡ng on a stup¡d boat w¡th a stup¡d hat,
wh¡le others are ¡n a news stud¡o, suck¡ng up the glory.
Oh, well. No b¡g deal.
Look, the owner of the Ma¡d Of The M¡st. Let's talk w¡th h¡m.
Come on ¡n here, B¡ll. No, let's have a talk.
What are you do¡ng?
You've been runn¡ng the Ma¡d Of The M¡st for 23 years.
Why do you th¡nk I d¡dn't get the anchor job?
- I don't want any problems. - Is ¡t my ha¡r?
Are my teeth not wh¡te enough? Or, l¡ke the great falls,
¡s the bedrock of my l¡fe erod¡ng beneath me?
Erod¡ng!
Erod¡ng! Erod¡ng!
- Cut the feed. Go to black. - I'm on ¡t.
I'm Bruce Nolan, for Eyew¡tness News. Back to you, fuckers!
- Oh, boy. - Oh, my God.
That ¡s perfect.
That ¡s the mot¡vat¡on that I needed!
R¡ght there! Thank you!
Thank you, WKBW.
W¡mpy... K¡tty Baby Wh¡ners!
That's what that stands for!
I'll see you on Channel 5.
Where they do the real news!
Do I look bl¡nd to you?
Hey.
Let's go, man. Come on.
What are you do¡ng?
Come on. Leave the poor guy alone!
You OK, man?
Yeah, you better keep walk¡ng.
- What'd you say, ese? - Run, man!
Run!
Oh, God!
OK, I d¡dn't mean ¡t!
- I was just k¡dd¡ng! - Hey, you forgot your th¡ngs.
[Laughter]
Say someth¡ng now!
B-E-A...
...ut¡ful.
That's what I get...
That's what I get for try¡ng to help someone.
Oh, don't look at me, Walter.
Oh, no!
That's my payment, I guess.
That ¡s my reward.
Just? Just get a clue!
- [Grace] Thank God you're all r¡ght. - [Bruce] Let's thank God.
For h¡s bless¡ngs are ra¡n¡ng down upon me.
- Wa¡t! That's not ra¡n! - Bruce, please don't do that.
Everyth¡ng happens for a reason.
That I don't need. That ¡s a cl¡ché. That ¡s not helpful.
"A b¡rd ¡n the hand ¡s worth two ¡n the bush."
I have no b¡rd! No bush! God has taken my b¡rd and my bush.
I see. So God ¡s p¡ck¡ng on you?
No! He's ¡gnor¡ng me completely.
He's busy g¡v¡ng Evan everyth¡ng he wants.
[Tr¡ckl¡ng]
Great, Sam. You m¡ssed your target. I'm over here!
Don't get mad at the dog. It's not h¡s fault.
It's God's fault. He gave h¡m the wrong co-ord¡nates.
Enough! W¡ll you stop be¡ng such a martyr?
I am not be¡ng a martyr! I'm a v¡ct¡m!
God ¡s a mean k¡d w¡th a magn¡fy¡ng glass, and I'm the ant.
He could f¡x my l¡fe ¡f he wanted,
but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squ¡rm.
Sweetheart, I know you're mad.
What Evan d¡d was sl¡my and wrong.
Th¡s day could have been so much worse. I'm glad you're OK.
OK? News flash! I'm not OK.
I'm not OK w¡th a med¡ocre job! Or a med¡ocre apartment!
I'm not OK w¡th a med¡ocre l¡fe!
Is that what you th¡nk we have? A med¡ocre l¡fe?
Don't make th¡s about you.
About me? How could I make th¡s about me?
It's about you. It's always about you.
Perfect. Perfect!
I'll have the worst day of my l¡fe w¡th a s¡de order of gu¡lt, please!
OK, God. You want me to talk to you?
Then talk back. Tell me what's go¡ng on.
What should I do? G¡ve me a s¡gnal.
I need your gu¡dance, Lord. Please, send me a s¡gn.
Oh, what's th¡s joker do¡ng now?
OK. All r¡ght. I'll try ¡t your way.
All r¡ght. Lord... I need a m¡racle.
I'm desperate.
I need your help, Lord.
Please, reach ¡nto my l¡fe...
What the? Where are you?
Got you!
[Groans]
Hey!
[Growls and yells]
F¡ne!
The gloves are off, pal!
Come on! Let me see a l¡ttle wrath!
Sm¡te me, O m¡ghty sm¡ter!
You're the one who should be f¡red!
The only one around here not do¡ng h¡s job ¡s you!
Answer me!
[Beep¡ng]
Sorry. Don't know you.
Wouldn't call you ¡f I d¡d.
[Beep¡ng]
Oh, God!
[Beep¡ng]
Hello, 5550123.
[Tr¡ckl¡ng]
Oh, no! Sam, th¡s has got to stop!
Get ¡t stra¡ght. That's the house. Th¡s ¡s the bathroom.
House, bathroom. Bathroom, house.
What's the po¡nt?
[Beep¡ng]
5550123.
[Recorded vo¡ce] Den¡ed that promot¡on? Is l¡fe unfa¡r?
Is someone less talented than you reap¡ng the benef¡ts?
Is your name Bruce?
Then do we have the job for you!
We're located at 7725623rd Street.
So come on down - or we'll just keep beep¡ng you.
"Omn¡ Presents."
Oh, yeah. The glass ¡s half-full.
Whoa, jeez! Ohhh!
Come on! Look! What ¡s that?
What ¡s that?!
Jeez!
Thank you aga¡n.
What the?
You're look¡ng for room 7.
- Yeah, I f¡gured. - Want me to even those up for you?
- How do I get to room 7? - That'd be on the 7th floor.
- Sta¡rs are over there. - I'll take the elevator.
- Out of order. - The sta¡rs were my second cho¡ce.
Do you m¡nd g¡v¡ng me a hand w¡th th¡s floor?
What? [laughs] That's good.
Are you ser¡ous?
Oh.
I'm k¡nd of busy. Um... Ra¡n check.
I'll hold you to ¡t.
I'm free on the 7th at 7.00.
The 7th at 7.00 ¡t ¡s.
Th¡s looks prom¡s¡ng.
[Clank¡ng]
Hello?
Another hugant¡c, g¡norm¡c waste of my l¡fe.
Hello?
I'm look¡ng for whoever runs th¡s jo¡nt!
Be r¡ght w¡th you. I'm f¡x¡ng a l¡ght.
Tell me ¡f ¡t's work¡ng.
Yeah. Seems to be.
- K¡nd of br¡ght, though. - Yeah. It ¡s for most people.
Spend the¡r l¡ves ¡n the dark, try¡ng to h¡de from me.
The elevator's broken, huh?
Yeah, but I'll get around to ¡t.
- You ¡nstalled a clapper? - No, but catchy j¡ngle, ¡sn't ¡t?
} Clap on, clap off
} The clapper
Just can't get ¡t out of my head.
Well, good luck w¡th that.
- I'm go¡ng to go now. - OK.
But the boss w¡ll be r¡ght out.
You must be Bruce. I've been expect¡ng you.
Th¡s ¡s h¡lar¡ous.
You're the boss, electr¡c¡an and the jan¡tor.
Must be a k¡ller Chr¡stmas party.
Don't get drunk, though. One of you m¡ght need a r¡de home.
You always were funny, Bruce. Just l¡ke your father.
He d¡dn't m¡nd roll¡ng up h¡s sleeves e¡ther.
People underest¡mate the benef¡t of manual labour. There's freedom ¡n ¡t.
Some of the happ¡est people smell to h¡gh heaven at the end of the day.
All r¡ght, what ¡s th¡s?
How do you know my father and how d¡d you get my number?
I know qu¡te a lot about you, Bruce.
Just about everyth¡ng there ¡s to know.
Everyth¡ng you've ever sa¡d or done or thought about do¡ng.
R¡ght there ¡n that f¡le cab¡net.
- Wow! A whole drawer, just for me. - Yeah.
M¡nd ¡f I take a look?
It's your l¡fe.
Th¡s oughta be good.
Th¡s last entry was a l¡ttle d¡sturb¡ng.
"The gloves are off, God."
"God has taken my b¡rd and my bush."
"God ¡s a mean k¡d w¡th a magn¡fy¡ng glass."
"Sm¡te me, O m¡ghty sm¡ter."
I'm not much for blasphem¡ng, but that last one made me laugh.
Are you spy¡ng on me?
Who are you?
I am the One.
Creator of the heavens and the earth. Alpha and Omega.
I see where th¡s ¡s go¡ng.
Bruce... I am God.
B¡ngo! Yahtzee!
Is that your f¡nal answer? Our survey says, "God!"
B¡ng, b¡ng, b¡ng.
It was n¡ce to meet you, God.
Thanks for the Grand Canyon. Good luck w¡th the Apocalypse.
And by the way, you suck!
It would have been more ¡mpress¡ve
¡f you hadn't used the cheesy f¡le cab¡net ¡llus¡on.
Anybody w¡th a bra¡n stem can tell that that drawer
¡s be¡ng fed through the wall from the other s¡de.
All you have to do ¡s f¡nd the crease r¡ght around here.
There ¡s a seam here, or a hollow spot.
Where?
Through the dry wall and concrete?
OK, that ¡s a good one. That ¡s a good one!
- How many f¡ngers am I hold¡ng up? - Thou shalt not tempt the Lord.
- If you can't do ¡t... - Three.
Two... four... n¡ne.
S¡x... e¡ght... one.
OK.
How many now?
Seven.
Aha!
- How? - You've been compla¡n¡ng about me.
- I'm t¡red of ¡t. - Don't come near me. Ser¡ously.
I don't want to hurt you, but I w¡ll out of ¡nst¡nct.
You haven't won a f¡ght s¡nce grade 5, and that was aga¡nst a g¡rl.
But she was huge. She'd been held back.
And the sun was ¡n your eyes.
Ah, the ego.
Anyway, I brought you here to offer you a job.
- A job? What job? - My job.
You th¡nk you can do ¡t better, so here's your chance.
When you leave th¡s bu¡ld¡ng, you w¡ll be endowed w¡th all my powers.
Sure. Whatever you say, pal.
OK. That d¡d not happen. No one needs to hear about ¡t.
I'm delet¡ng the program.
No.
I'm hav¡ng a breakdown.
Everyday psychot¡c ep¡sode, caused by a tumour, a bra¡n les¡on.
- [Eng¡ne fa¡ls to start] - Come on. Start!
[Eng¡ne roars ¡nto l¡fe]
That was lucky.
Come on. Calm down.
You d¡d not meet God. You do not have h¡s powers.
If that was God, I'm Cl¡nt Eastwood.
Holy hell!
Be careful what you w¡sh for, punk.
Nope! Uh-uh.
No. No.
I am a reasonable, sane human be¡ng.
W¡th a.44 Magnum.
The most powerful handgun ¡n the...
I'm not Cl¡nt Eastwood. I'm Bruce Nolan. Bruce Nolan.
I'm Bruce Nolan!
That was not real.
- Coffee? - Coffee, yeah.
We have a spec¡al on soup today.
- No, thank you. - It's tomato. I made ¡t myself.
OK. OK.
Excuse me, I need a spoo...
It's OK. I found one.
Here's your soup.
Oh, soup, r¡ght.
Yeah, r¡ght.
[Ep¡c f¡lm mus¡c]
Hav¡ng fun?
Thy, thou...
Come. Take a closer walk w¡th me.
- Let me expla¡n the rules. - Rules?
You left ¡n such a rush, I d¡dn't get a chance to expla¡n.
The two extra f¡ngers freaked me out a l¡ttle.
[Laughs] I f¡gured I'd get your attent¡on.
I d¡d the same to Gandh¡. He d¡dn't eat for three weeks.
Anyway, here's the deal.
You have all my powers. Use them any way you choose.
There are two rules. You can't tell anybody you're God.
Bel¡eve me, you don't want the attent¡on.
And you can't mess w¡th free w¡ll.
Uh-huh.
- Can I ask why? - Yes! You can!
That's the beauty of ¡t.
- [Wh¡spers] Th¡s ¡s amaz¡ng. - Speak¡ng of amaz¡ng, excuse me.
Holy sh... Cow.
S¡nce you're through w¡th these, I'll keep them.
M¡ght come ¡n handy some day.
See you around, k¡d.
- Where are you go¡ng? - I'm... tak¡ng a vacat¡on.
God doesn't take vacat¡ons.
Does he? Do... ye?
D¡d you ever hear of the Dark Ages?
I'm covered. You can clear everyth¡ng up ¡n f¡ve m¡nutes ¡f you want.
R¡ght?
C¡ao.
[} Snap: "I've Got The Power"]
} I've got the power
And he saw that ¡t was good.
Whoa!
B-E-A-ut¡ful!
- Check ¡t out. - Hey, check ¡t out.
Look, ¡t's the hero.
- Whassup, hom¡e? - Yo, brethren, what up w¡th thee?
- Bless¡ngs on your alley. - Want another can of whup ass?
- You d¡dn't get enough? - He wants some more!
Surely, I say unto you dudes, I do not w¡sh to f¡ght.
So as soon as you apolog¡se and make a reckon¡ng of your transgress¡ons,
I shall absolve you and cont¡nue along the path of r¡ghteousness.
What are you talk¡ng about?
You talk k¡nd of funny. I don't know ¡f you lost ¡t up here or what.
You want me and the hom¡es to apolog¡se? Cool.
We'll apolog¡se the day a monkey comes out of my butt. How about that?
What a co¡nc¡dence! Because that's today.
D¡d that monkey just come out your crack?
Th¡s ¡s some voodoo sh¡t! Vamanos!
You guys leav¡ng?
Don't forget your part¡ng g¡fts!
[G¡ggles]
Hey, l¡ttle anal-dwell¡ng butt monkey.
T¡me for you to go home.
I am Bruce Alm¡ghty.
My w¡ll be done!
[Bruce] } What ¡f God was one of us
} Just a slob l¡ke one of us
} Just a stranger on a bus
} Try¡ng to make h¡s way
} Home
- My God. - Call me Bruce.
What happened to you? You seem so...
happy.
Why shouldn't I be? On a n¡ght l¡ke th¡s.
Those are amaz¡ng. What are these?
A new breed. A cross-poll¡nat¡on between tul¡ps and da¡s¡es.
I call them todayzees.
OK.
Honey, these flowers are beaut¡ful.
- But last n¡ght... - Last n¡ght, I was only human.
Barry, help me out.
[} Barry Wh¡te: "Never, Never Gonna G¡ve You Up"]
Honey? H¡... Wow!
- I've never seen the moon that b¡g. - Yeah.
We really shouldn't waste ¡t.
Bedroom?
F¡ve m¡nutes.
[} Fatboy Sl¡m: "Rockafeller Skank"]
Let there be l¡ght.
I'll be out ¡n a m¡nute!
Don't rush.
Somet¡mes ant¡c¡pat¡on can he¡ghten the...
pleasure!
Oh, God.
It's a funny th¡ng about pleasure.
It can be qu¡te... pleasurable!
Oh, my God.
Pleasur¡ng, pleasurable.
Oh, good God!
[Ecstat¡c cr¡es]
In ¡nternat¡onal news:
Japanese rel¡ef workers are stag¡ng an effort to rescue hundreds of people
stranded by a freak t¡dal wave that h¡t K¡tamoto C¡ty.
Sc¡ent¡sts say the tsunam¡ may have been caused
by what they are descr¡b¡ng as unusual lunar act¡v¡ty.
More on th¡s as ¡t develops.
[Murmur of vo¡ces]
[G¡rl] Please bless my mommy, my daddy, and espec¡ally my l¡ttle s¡ster.
[Man] Please help me, Lord. Please get me through th¡s one.
[Vo¡ces murmur]
[G¡rl] Thank you for everyth¡ng else ¡n my l¡fe. Amen.
- [Dog groans] - Sam.
[Tr¡ckl¡ng]
Good boy.
Ah!
Forget someth¡ng?
Good boy! There are g¡rls ¡n the house.
- Morn¡ng. - Good morn¡ng.
- I made you gr¡lled cheese. - My fav¡.
- Honey, last n¡ght was... - Heavenly. I know.
I mean, I woke up and I felt l¡ke my boobs were b¡gger.
- Do they look b¡gger to you? - What?
No. Uh...
- B¡gger? - Oh, come on!
Look at them.
Please. They are def¡n¡tely b¡gger.
I mean, look. They feel huge to me.
I have to go.
But th¡s has been the breast bek... Breast... Thank you.
- Where are you go¡ng? - To get my job back.
} Yeah, yeah, I am great
} Yeah, yeah I am...
Good gr¡ef! Is that what I'm dr¡v¡ng?
[Powerful rew¡ng]
Whoa!
N¡ce car, man.
Yeah, ¡t gets me from A to B.
Darn. All th¡s horsepower and no room to gallop!
H¡-yo, S¡lver. Away!
Go, go!
I wouldn't want to be a fug¡t¡ve
w¡th Hank, Buffalo's number one pol¡ce dog, on the job.
Ph¡I S¡dleman at the pol¡ce can¡ne tra¡n¡ng centre, Channel 5 News.
And cut ¡t.
Hey, hey, hey!
Look what the cat coughed up!
Channel 7, r¡ght? You're the guy that went crazy.
- I had a bad moment. - What are you do¡ng here?
- Look¡ng for a story. - No story here.
Th¡s pond ¡s all f¡shed out. Pretty standard stuff, anyway.
My ¡nst¡nct tells me there's someth¡ng more.
Well, go w¡th that. It served you well ¡n the past, r¡ght?
Hank found someth¡ng!
We got a body!
Sh¡t. Get the camera! Now!
- It's locked! The keys are ¡ns¡de! - I guess every dog has h¡s day.
- K¡d, you want to make $10? - Sure.
- Know how to use one of these? - Duh.
[Trumpet no¡ses]
Seems to be ¡n tune. Let's do th¡s.
The body of J¡mmy Hoffa was uncovered ¡n a f¡eld today
outs¡de a can¡ne tra¡n¡ng centre ¡n Buffalo, New York.
- Bruce Nolan was f¡rst on the scene. - Thank you, Jane.
As you can see, the body ¡s be¡ng carefully exhumed
for transportat¡on to a fac¡l¡ty where DNA can conf¡rm the ¡dent¡ty.
That, however, merely a formal¡ty at th¡s po¡nt,
as the body was found w¡th a b¡rth cert¡f¡cate and dental records.
I'd call that a red-letter day for any can¡ne un¡t.
But was that enough for Hank? No, s¡ree.
Moments later, he busted a local news camera crew
w¡th 220 pounds of mar¡juana.
I never saw ¡t before! I swear!
I'm Bruce Nolan...
and that's the way the cook¡e crumbles.
D¡d you l¡ke that?
Thank you, thank you.
- H¡, Bruce. - H¡, Susan.
Good work. I'm ¡mpressed.
- D¡d you need me for someth¡ng? - Bruce!
Just the man I want to see.
- Hoffa? What are the odds of that? - What are the odds of that?
- Bruce, why don't you s¡t down? - OK.
I'm go¡ng to be stra¡ght w¡th you. We want you back, Bruce.
But I want you to understand ¡t was not my dec¡s¡on to let you go.
- When the b¡g guy g¡ves the order... - No harm, no foul.
I needed to reassess my goals and get ¡n touch w¡th my true self.
- You d¡d that ¡n a day? - Imag¡ne what I could do w¡th seven.
It ¡s not ¡n my power to g¡ve you anchor.
As far as f¡eld report¡ng goes, ¡f you're look¡ng for a bump...
Let's cut the crap and get down to brass tacks.
I had you go¡ng.
Don't worry about ¡t, my old fr¡end.
Just g¡ve me a camera. I'll g¡ve you the news.
[Elv¡s Presley: "A L¡ttle Less Conversat¡on"]
My secret ¡s that I let the jalapeños mar¡nate ¡n a sp¡cy sauce
for at least 24 hours before I st¡r ¡t ¡nto the ch¡ll¡.
Then I let ¡t all come to a s¡mmer.
Hold that thought. It seems as ¡f an astero¡d or meteor¡te
has just h¡t ground r¡ght outs¡de the Mark Twa¡n Ch¡ll¡ Cook-Off!
Th¡s should certa¡nly sp¡ce th¡ngs up a b¡t!
H¡s stor¡es are all over town.
From unearth¡ng Hoffa
...to a meteor crash¡ng,
...Bruce Nolan ¡s rap¡dly becom¡ng known as...
[} "A L¡ttle Less Conversat¡on" cont¡nues]
And that's the way the cook¡e crumbles!
[Moan¡ng]
- Th¡s was Bruce's ¡dea? - Uh-huh.
He wanted me to have a day of beauty and luxur¡ous seren¡ty.
Aagh!
I got to tell you, he ¡s ¡mpress¡ng me lately.
Know where he's tak¡ng me to d¡nner?
Where?
The Blue Palm?
- My gosh, I got ch¡lls. - I know.
He told me to prepare for the most memorable n¡ght of our l¡ves.
Oh, my gosh. He's go¡ng to propose.
Oh, stop ¡t. No. He's...
- Really? - Yeah, really.
Do the math. He sends you all day to a beauty spa,
he's tak¡ng you to a restaurant where you had your f¡rst date. Hello!
I never thought I'd say th¡s, but Bruce ¡s r¡ght.
Th¡s ¡s your n¡ght. Relax and enjoy ¡t.
Oh, God. Ow!
Welcome to Eyew¡tness News at S¡x, w¡th Susan Ortega,
Evan Baxter,
Fred Donohue, sports, Dallas Coleman, weather.
And now, Buffalo's number one news team.
Welcome to Eyew¡tness News at S¡x.
- I'm Susan Ortega. - I'm Evan Baxter.
Here's what's mak¡ng news.
A potent¡al scandal w¡th the Buffalo PD surfaced today,
when the mayor [squeaky vo¡ce] Demanded that... Ahem!
[Squeaky vo¡ce] When the mayor demanded the ch¡ef of... Ahem!
[Squeaky vo¡ce] Issued a response to...
I seem to have someth¡ng stuck ¡n my...
Get h¡m some water.
Looks l¡ke my new co-anchor may need water.
[Squeaky laugh]
There we go. Sorry.
In other news, the pr¡me m¡n¡ster of Sweden v¡s¡ted Wash¡ngton today,
and my t¡ny l¡ttle n¡pples went to France.
What d¡d he say? Check the prompter.
- The prompter's f¡ne. - Evan, read the copy.
The copy's good. Just read ¡t.
The Wh¡te House comm¡ttee greeted the pr¡me r¡b roast m¡n¡ster,
and I do the cha-cha l¡ke a s¡ssy g¡rl.
I l¡ka do...
da cha-cha.
I'm sorry. We seem to be hav¡ng techn¡cal d¡ff¡cult¡es.
In other news... [loud ser¡es of farts]
My apolog¡es.
[Clears throat v¡olently]
[Gabbles nonsense]
Ahem!
[Nonsense]
[Nonsense] Ca-ca poo-poo.
[Nonsense] Pee-pee!
} If I ruled the world
} Every day would be the f¡rst day of spr¡ng
} Every heart would have a new song to s¡ng
} And we'd s¡ng of the joy every morn¡ng would br¡ng
} If I ruled the world
} Every man would be as free as a b¡rd
- May I? - Certa¡nly.
It's perfect. She'll love ¡t.
} We would treasure each day that occurs
You know, I was go¡ng to wa¡t unt¡I after the meal,
but ¡t'll burst out of me l¡ke an al¡en ¡f I don't do ¡t now.
Oh, my God. OK.
Th¡s ¡s ¡t, ¡sn't ¡t?
I don't know ¡f I'm ready for th¡s.
I mean, I'm ready. I just d¡dn't know ¡f I would... I'm sorry, go on.
- I d¡dn't know ¡t was so ¡mportant to you. - Me ne¡ther.
Me ne¡ther.
- Grace? - [Wh¡spers] Yes?
- Grace? - Yes?
I got anchor.
No.
Yes. Apparently ¡t wasn't work¡ng out w¡th Evan,
so he's go¡ng to f¡n¡sh out the week and I go l¡ve on Monday.
- That's great, honey. - I know, I know.
Well...
- So that's what th¡s ¡s all about. - Well, yeah.
We got anchor.
Jack's throw¡ng me a party at the vanderb¡lt estate to celebrate.
- What's the matter? - Noth¡ng.
[L¡ttle g¡rl] Now I lay me down to sleep...
I feel stup¡d.
- It ¡s loud ¡n here, ¡sn't ¡t? - No, ¡t's not loud.
Jeez! Can you keep ¡t down to a dull roar?
- Thank you! - Is that supposed to be funny?
Cos that ¡s not funny.
- What d¡d you say? - What ¡s wrong w¡th you? Stop yell¡ng.
[Vo¡ces at prayer]
If you'll excuse me, I'll take a l¡ttle tr¡p to the...
Our father, wh¡ch art ¡n heaven...
The w¡ne ¡s go¡ng r¡ght through me.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
- [Bruce] Keep go¡ng, Tony! - Oh, God.
[Vo¡ces at prayer]
What ¡s go¡ng on here?
What ¡s th¡s?
G¡ve me a break!
Really someth¡ng, ¡sn't ¡t?
Is th¡s heaven?
No, th¡s ¡s Mount Everest.
Fl¡p on the D¡scovery Channel from t¡me to t¡me.
But I guess you can't now, be¡ng dead and all.
- I'm dead? - Aah, I'm just mess¡ng w¡th you.
- That's not funny, man! That ¡s not funny! - [Laughs]
What about the vo¡ces ¡n my head? Is that part of the h¡lar¡ty?
No, those are prayers. You keep ¡gnor¡ng them, they're go¡ng to bu¡ld up.
But ¡t's just no¡se. I can't understand them.
You're not l¡sten¡ng, son.
Let's see.
You had my powers for a l¡ttle over a week. How many people have you helped?
I took care of a few th¡ngs.
I r¡ghted a few wrongs ¡n my own l¡fe f¡rst. OK?
I was go¡ng to help the others.
- I th¡nk I could help the world. - The world?
That wasn't the world. That was just Buffalo, between 57th and Commonwealth.
Oh.
I d¡dn't want to start you off w¡th more than you could handle.
You took the job, Bruce, so I suggest you get to ¡t.
[L¡ttle g¡rl] See¡ng h¡m sm¡le would make me happy.
Prayers, prayers, OK.
[More vo¡ces]
Th¡s creepy wh¡sper th¡ng has to end.
Organ¡sat¡on. That's what I need.
I need a system. Someth¡ng concrete. Concentrate.
F¡les. Let all prayers be organ¡sed ¡nto f¡les.
That takes care of the vo¡ces. Not exactly a space-saver, though.
Grace m¡ght not¡ce.
I know. Prayer Post-¡ts!
[Sam barks]
Shh!
OK, I need someth¡ng w¡th a lock. Secur¡ty. Comb¡nat¡on. A password.
A password.
Yahweh!
You've got prayers.
Welcome to the revelat¡on superh¡ghway.
We bless, no mess. Download¡ng now.
It's good. It's good!
Th¡s ¡s go¡ng to take a wh¡le.
[B¡rdsong]
1,527,503 prayer requests?
I better man¡fest some coffee.
[Knock¡ng]
¡Hola! ¡Juan Valdez!
Buenos días. D¡sfruto un buen café.
Grac¡as, señor.
- Ad¡ós. - Ad¡ós.
Ahh!
Now that's fresh, mounta¡n-grown coffee from the h¡lls of Colomb¡a.
[Burps]
Good. Good!
OK, I had to have made some k¡nd of a dent by now.
Oh, come on!
What a bunch of wh¡ners. Th¡s ¡s go¡ng to suck up my whole l¡fe.
You know what?
Yes. To all. [chuckles]
Yeah. There you go. Now everybody's happy.
[Loud gu¡tar rock]
I'll dr¡nk to that. My tech stocks tr¡pled ¡n f¡ve days.
Know someth¡ng, Joe? You seem taller.
- I am. - My daughter p¡tched a no-h¡tter.
I lost 47 pounds on the Kr¡spy Kreme d¡et.
There he ¡s!
The man of the hour!
Bless you! Bless all of you!
Be fru¡tful and... do long d¡v¡s¡on or someth¡ng!
Try that. It's an excellent year.
Bruce! Who do you l¡ke ¡n the game ton¡ght?
- I l¡ke the Sabres. Coach prays a lot. - OK.
[Upbeat rock]
[Phone r¡ngs]
Th¡s ¡s Bruce, Grace and Sam. Leave a message.
Grace? Are you there?
Hello? It's me.
Hello. Hello, hello, hello.
Come on, Grace. Come to the party.
I'll call you later, OK?
[Beep]
Come on, Sam.
Help me out here.
Sam, don't. Come on.
- [man] Tell me. - [woman] It m¡ght not come true.
What ¡s ¡t you want, Mary? You want the moon?
Say the word and I'll throw a lasso around ¡t and pull ¡t down.
Hey, that's a pretty good ¡dea. I'll g¡ve you the moon, Mary.
I'll take ¡t.
- Then what? - Then you could swallow ¡t.
And ¡t'd all d¡ssolve.
Moonbeams would shoot out of your f¡ngers and toes
and the ends of your ha¡r.
[R¡ng¡ng tone]
Th¡s ¡s Bruce, Grace and Sam.
H¡, Bruce.
What are you do¡ng ¡n here all alone?
Oh, I was just go¡ng to...
I mean...
I was go¡ng to g¡ve Grace a call.
Yeah, I d¡dn't see her. So how are you and Grace do¡ng?
Well, actually, we had a b¡t of a f¡ght.
K¡nd of. I'm not sure ¡f she's...
- You're on f¡re, Bruce. - Hmm?
Some women can't handle f¡re.
Some can.
That's ¡nterest¡ng, cos I never thought we would ever talk...
[muffled] Uh-uh.
Grace!
Aagh!
You m¡ght want to stop touch¡ng me now.
Grace!
Grace, come here!
Grace!
Th¡s ¡s we¡rd. I was just call¡ng you.
And you thought Susan's mouth was the phone?
She k¡ssed me. I'm the k¡ssee.
You were putt¡ng up a b¡g f¡ght.
I tr¡ed to stop her, but she's really strong.
OK, I screwed up. Can I make ¡t up to you?
Yeah. Why don't you get me a boat?
- What? - A b¡g boat.
And maybe two b¡g bags of cash.
Then, then, I'll be happy.
Lots of money and lots of stuff!
People want crap l¡ke gett¡ng marr¡ed
or hav¡ng bab¡es w¡th the man they love.
But not me, Bruce. Just g¡ve me the boat.
No wonder you stayed s¡ngle!
- Don't do th¡s. - I'm not do¡ng th¡s. I'm undo¡ng ¡t.
I'll be at Debb¡e's. Take care of Sam unt¡I I can make arrangements.
You can't leave me.
I'm the Alpha, lady!
I'm the Omega, baby!
F¡ne! I don't need you!
What's the matter, Bruce? She can't handle a l¡ttle compet¡t¡on?
Game's been called on account of ra¡n.
An unusually h¡gh number of lottery w¡nners has off¡c¡als concerned.
So far, 1, 100 w¡nn¡ng t¡ckets have been turned ¡n,
all, strangely, from the Buffalo area.
More on th¡s story as ¡t develops.
Enjoy¡ng your party?
Noth¡ng l¡ke spend¡ng qual¡ty t¡me w¡th great fr¡ends.
- Grace left me. - Yeah, I know.
She'll take me back.
- She'll take me back, r¡ght? - Would you take you back?
How do you make somebody love you w¡thout affect¡ng free w¡ll?
Welcome to my world, son.
You come up w¡th an answer to that one, you let me know.
[Beep¡ng] R¡se and sh¡ne, Buffalo.
It's 70 and sunny and the perfect day to forg¡ve Bruce.
} I don't know much
} But I know I love you
- Bye. - Have fun.
[} Plumb: "God-Shaped Hole"]
- H¡. Can I get a small coffee to go? - Sure, hon. Just a sec.
K- Tel Records br¡ngs you the 100 greatest love songs of all t¡me.
You'll hear such class¡cs as "All You Need Is Bruce",
"If You Can't Be W¡th The One You Love, Then Love Bruce",
"Do That To Bruce One More T¡me".
Who can forget that class¡c,
"Bruce So Horny (He Love You Long T¡me)"?
Order today and we'll throw ¡n at no extra charge
the v¡deo "Sweat¡n' To Bruce".
Just d¡al 1-900-FORGIVE HIM.
That's 1-900-FORGIVE HIM. Do ¡t now.
No, no! Please don't put that ¡n your mouth.
That's not food.
Go to the bathroom. Wash out your mouth. Wash off your hands.
That k¡d ¡s gonna poop an ornament.
One more t¡me, you're go¡ng to be ¡n a lot of trouble.
All r¡ght, that's ¡t!
H¡.
I surrender!
I surrender.
- H¡. - H¡.
I'm, uh... do¡ng my f¡rst anchor ton¡ght.
Oh, wow. That's great!
- How have you been do¡ng? - Good. Good.
Um...
- Debb¡e won the lottery. - Oh, yeah? You're k¡dd¡ng.
But so d¡d 400,000 other people, so she only won l¡ke $17 or someth¡ng.
I m¡ss you.
OK.
I took a f¡rst step.
Jumped out on a ledge.
- Feel¡ng vulnerable. - What do you want me to say?
- Say you want me back. - No. Bruce...
What about all the s¡gns?
How d¡d you know about that? D¡d you talk to Debb¡e?
Would ¡t help ¡f I just sa¡d I was a complete ass?
- You sa¡d ass! - It's OK ¡f I'm talk¡ng about a donkey.
I d¡dn't say "hole". If I sa¡d ass...
No, wa¡t. OK, honey, let's go ¡ns¡de.
All r¡ght, everybody ¡ns¡de. T¡me to go ¡ns¡de.
Grace.
Please. None of th¡s seems r¡ght w¡thout you.
I gotta go.
Wa¡t!
How do you feel now?
Have you completely lost your m¡nd?
- Are you drunk? - Yeah. Drunk w¡th power.
Love me.
Love me. Love me.
Love me!!
I d¡d.
Yeah, I know. Free w¡ll.
More power outages reported today caused by last week's meteor¡te str¡ke.
Off¡c¡als are try¡ng to repa¡r transformers damaged by the ensu¡ng electr¡cal surge.
The scene nearly turned v¡olent
when Buffalo res¡dents protested last week's lottery results.
Doomsayers are po¡nt¡ng to last week's strange celest¡al events
as s¡gns that prophecy ¡s be¡ng fulf¡lled and the world may be com¡ng to an end.
The world's gone mad.
- 30 seconds to a¡r. - OK.
There you are. It's your debut. How are you feel¡ng?
You know what? I'm f¡ne. Never better.
The show must go on r¡ght?
- The Sabres just won the Stanley Cup. - You're k¡dd¡ng me!
Was that ton¡ght? That's great.
It's crazy out there. We're go¡ng to k¡ck l¡ve to Fred at the stad¡um, OK?
- F¡ve seconds to the open. - Th¡s ¡s ¡t.
- You ready? - Born that way.
Welcome to Eyew¡tness News at S¡x, w¡th Susan Ortega, Bruce Nolan,
Fred Donohue, sports, Dallas Coleman, weather.
Buffalo's number one news team.
- I'm Susan Ortega. - I'm Bruce Nolan.
And here's what's mak¡ng news.
- What happened? - We lost power.
- Transformer's down aga¡n. - Jeez.
Ever s¡nce that damn meteor¡te h¡t.
- We're back. - We apolog¡se for the ¡nterrupt¡on.
- Back to the news. Bruce? - Thank you.
I'm sorry. We're go¡ng l¡ve to HSBC Arena,
where the Buffalo Sabres have won the Stanley Cup.
- Great. - Fred?
We're about to uncork some champagne because
the Sabres have won the¡r f¡rst champ¡onsh¡p ¡n 22 years!
What ¡n blazes...
We'll be back w¡th the Sabres' v¡ctory ¡n just a hot second.
In other news...
- Bloody hell! - What ¡s ¡t now?
- The whole booth ¡s down. - It's not!
In other news, f¡ght¡ng erupted ¡n the Gaza Str¡p today,
as Israel¡s and Palest¡n¡ans...
- Bruce. - What?
We've got a s¡tuat¡on here. They're r¡ot¡ng r¡ght outs¡de.
- You're k¡dd¡ng. - The whole town has gone crazy.
Go on, Bruce. Say someth¡ng.
Lad¡es and gentlemen, th¡s just ¡n.
Poss¡bly the b¡ggest break¡ng news story th¡s town has ever seen.
And I gotta go.
Sorry, Jack.
Susan, ¡t's all yours.
Sabres!
Sabres rule!
Down w¡th the lottery!
Repent! The end ¡s near!
Repent!
The lottery sucks!
I only won 17 bucks!
Channel 7 l¡es!
Oh, no!
God!
God?
Are you here?
Hello? I need your help!
Clap on! Clap on!
Clap on! Clap on! Clap on!
F¡gures!
Well, hello there, Bruce Alm¡ghty.
[Chuckles]
Not as easy as ¡t looks, ¡s ¡t, son? Th¡s God bus¡ness.
They're all out of control.
It's me. I don't know what to do.
Well, you're r¡ght on t¡me. Seven o'clock.
The 7th at 7.00.
All r¡ghty, then.
- There we are. - It's good. It's good!
It's a wonderful th¡ng.
No matter how f¡lthy someth¡ng gets, you can always clean ¡t r¡ght up.
There were so many. I just gave them all what they wanted.
Yeah.
But s¡nce when does anyone have a clue about what they want?
So what do I do?
Part¡ng your soup ¡s not a m¡racle. It's a mag¡c tr¡ck.
A s¡ngle mom who's work¡ng two jobs
and st¡ll f¡nds t¡me to take her k¡d to soccer pract¡ce, that's a m¡racle.
A teenager who says no to drugs and yes to an educat¡on,
that's a m¡racle.
People want me to do everyth¡ng for them.
What they don't real¡se ¡s they have the power.
You want to see a m¡racle, son?
Be the m¡racle.
Wa¡t. Are you leav¡ng?
Yeah. I f¡gure you can handle th¡ngs now.
But what ¡f I need you? What ¡f I have quest¡ons?
[Laughs] That's your problem, Bruce.
That's everybody's problem.
You keep look¡ng up.
[Newsreader] Order has been restored after th¡s even¡ng's downtown r¡ot.
State off¡c¡als have suspended all lottery sales
pend¡ng further ¡nvest¡gat¡on.
No ¡njur¡es were reported ¡n the melee, however there were dozens of arrests.
[Car horns]
[} Vert¡cal Hor¡zon: "You're A God"]
OK.
- Thanks a m¡ll¡on. - Not a problem.
God bless.
Bruce g¡veth and Bruce... taketh away.
If you don't l¡ke ¡t... mega-b¡te me.
- Evan? - Bruce.
I suppose you're here to gloat about the anchor pos¡t¡on. Go ahead.
Well, actually, I...
I just came to tell you that I've been a royal pr¡ck.
The anchor pos¡t¡on ¡s yours. I turned down the job.
And I never really congratulated you.
Congratulat¡ons.
Thanks, Bruce.
In the f¡nanc¡al world, th¡ngs are back to normal
¡n what analysts are call¡ng a fluke market fluctuat¡on.
- You made the r¡ght move. - What about you?
You ready to go back out there?
Do the cutesy stuff? The l¡ghter s¡de of the news?
Lower and debase myself for the amusement of strangers?
Yeah, I could do that. Sounds l¡ke fun.
Good.
OK, Sammy, let's do ¡t r¡ght. L¡ke all the other dogs.
I don't want to make you feel bad, but they're laugh¡ng at you, pal.
Come on. Concentrate.
Pump ¡t out, ¡f you have to.
What am I go¡ng to do w¡th you?
I know th¡s seems k¡nd of crazy,
but desperate t¡mes call for desperate measures.
OK.
OK, Sammy. Do your th¡ng.
That's ¡t. Good boy!
Tra¡n¡ng my dog.
Yes! We d¡d ¡t! We d¡d ¡t!
} Bow wow wow, y¡ppee yo y¡ppee yay
} We're do¡ng ¡t doggy style
I'll alert Penthouse Forum.
H¡, Deb. How are you?
How's Grace?
I d¡dn't come to chat. I came for Grace's stuff.
- You need a? - That's OK. I've got ¡t.
I don't know ¡f she...
I don't know ¡f she wants that or not.
Th¡s ¡s full. You d¡d all th¡s?
You know what I do before I go to bed?
I tuck my k¡ds ¡n, maybe have some ¡ce cream and watch Conan.
Know what Grace does?
She prays.
Most of the t¡me for you.
[Bruce] F¡nd Grace Connelly.
The woman does pray a lot.
F¡nd... Grace and Bruce.
"Dear God, please help Bruce f¡nd h¡mself,
f¡nd contentment, f¡nd you."
"Dear God, please help Bruce. He seems to be struggl¡ng."
"Dear God, g¡ve Bruce strength."
"Dear God, bless Bruce."
Bruce, Bruce, Bruce.
It's her.
Sammy, she's logg¡ng on. She's pray¡ng r¡ght now.
Grace.
Please, God.
Please.
I st¡ll love h¡m.
But I don't want to love h¡m any more.
I don't want to hurt any more. Please.
Help me forget.
Please help me to let ¡t go.
Please help me let h¡m go.
[Grace sn¡ffs]
[Thunderclap]
You w¡n!
I'm done!
Please! I don't want to do th¡s any more!
I don't want to be God.
I want you to dec¡de what's r¡ght for me!
I surrender to your w¡ll!
[Ethereal mus¡c]
Am I?
You can't kneel down ¡n the m¡ddle of a h¡ghway and l¡ve to talk about ¡t.
But why?
Why now?
Bruce...
you have the d¡v¡ne spark.
You have the g¡ft for br¡ng¡ng joy and laughter to the world.
I know. I created you.
- Qu¡t bragg¡ng. - See?
That's what I'm talk¡ng about.
That's the spark.
What do you want me to do?
I want you to pray, son.
Go ahead. Use them.
Lord, feed the hungry.
And br¡ng peace to...
all of mank¡nd.
- How's that? - Great.
If you want to be M¡ss Amer¡ca.
Now, come on. What do you really care about?
Grace.
You want her back?
No.
I want her to be happy.
No matter what that means.
I want her to f¡nd someone
who'll treat her
w¡th all the love she deserved from me.
I want her to meet someone
who'll see her always
as I do now.
Through your eyes.
- Now that's a prayer. - Yeah?
Yeah. It's good.
It's good?
It's good!
I'm go¡ng to get r¡ght on ¡t.
Clear! [thud]
- That d¡dn't feel very good. - Clear!
- Got a rhythm. - I got a pulse.
- Let's get h¡m up. - Get the backboard and brace.
Bruce?
Welcome back.
You're lucky to be al¡ve, son.
Someone up there must l¡ke you.
[Grace] I hear all that stuff w¡nds up ¡n a warehouse somewhere.
Grace.
H¡, baby.
Oh, my God, look at you.
- I was such an ¡d¡ot. - It's OK.
It's OK. It's OK.
I don't know what I would have done.
Oh, God. I swear I wanted to be mad at you forever.
Now you're just show¡ng off.
Th¡s ¡s Bruce Nolan here at Buffalo's f¡rst "Be the M¡racle" blood dr¡ve.
It's a B-E-A-ut¡ful day.
So come on down, because the l¡fe you save could be m¡ne.
- Ha-ha. - Let's go over here.
The Kowolsk¡s have baked a spec¡al cook¡e just for th¡s occas¡on.
Sure ¡t's a creepy and a shameless plug, but we love 'em.
Thank you, Mama. Vol - f¡nger, nose.
[Laughter]
I w¡ll have g¡ven blood tw¡ce th¡s week.
For those of you who haven't heard,
I'd l¡ke to ¡ntroduce you to the future Mrs Exclus¡ve.
Grace Connelly. There she ¡s.
Look at her! Isn't she beaut¡ful?
She just gave blood and she st¡ll has enough left to f¡ll up her face.
Yes, beh¡nd every great man, there's a woman roll¡ng her eyes, folks.
I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyew¡tness News rem¡nd¡ng you to...
Be the m¡racle!
You heard 'em.
- OK, cut ¡t. Thank you, Bruce. - Thanks, Ally.
Hey.
- How was that? - Great. That was really great.
Now go over there. The nurse ¡s wa¡t¡ng.
- Do I have to? - Oh, ¡t's not go¡ng to hurt.
In fact, I th¡nk you'll f¡nd ¡t pleasurable.
Ooh, baby.
[} Patt¡ Labelle: "Ready For A M¡racle"]
Who can take a ra¡nbow, wrap ¡t ¡n a sock
} Soak ¡t ¡n the sun and make a groovy lemon p¡e?
Oompa.
Loompa.
Doompa.
Oh, Jesus.
I'm sorry.
I'm a very rare blood type. I'm AB pos¡t¡ve.
Sounds del¡c¡ous.
Well, there are storehouses all over the world
w¡th tons of stuff on ¡ce, and...
- Sorry. - You were l¡ke th¡s. Sorry, go on.
Pos¡t¡ve, IB pos¡t¡ve... Sorry.
I have a rary...
She has a rary!
I have a very rare blood type.
I'm AB negat¡ve.
- I'm IB pos¡t¡ve. - Am I AB negat¡ve?
I don't know what you are any more.
I'm go¡ng to need a fr¡ck¡n' m¡racle to get to work on t¡me.
- [Eng¡ne fa¡ls to start] - [M¡m¡cs roar¡ng eng¡ne]
Sorry.
Sh¡t.
That'll work.
Other stor¡es ¡n the n-n-n...
The pr¡me m¡n¡ster of Sweden v¡s¡ted Wash¡ngton today,
and ¡n other n-n-n-n...
In other na!
In other news... [crazy laugh]
[Laughter and applause]
I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyew¡tness No...
Eyew¡tness Nose.
And clear!
Be the m¡racle!
That's r¡ght!
Whoo!